What´s the best way to DTR?

Developing the Relationship – ‘D’ doesn’t need to stand for Define

 

Regarding the suggested title, what’s the best way to DTR, define the relationship is: it does not exist.  Our personality isn’t defined in a mechanical way; what I propose here is to find ways on how the couple can develop this relationship through communication.

Attention: It is possible to be in a calm relationship without having to DTR, however it rarely happens. Having a DTR talk may enrich and open new possibilities. When an engineer joins an architect, a sociologist, or a historian to decide how a specific public work will be, this project will have a stronger impact in society.

 

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What’s the best way to DTR: Having a DTR talk is a hard but a necessary exercise  –  

We were not trained to be patient with our spouses and deal with a delicate and embarrassing situation in a DTR talk. Especially us, Brazilians, who come from an authoritarian and non-adult culture. Even couples who come from civilized countries face problems when defining things in a relationship.

Well, if defining the relationship is something difficult, if we are note used to it, if we weren’t taught to, at times we may use methods that won’t work after a while; it’s like saying “it’s all right”, or plan a trip to “heal the relationship”, along with presents, sex; so, it’s time to be in a more adult situation and start developing ourselves based on dialogues.

That’s why I say it’s an exercise, the couple does not know how to do it, it’s hard; and it will take long until it is finally done in a calm and natural way.  If both have the same goal, where defining the relationship is based on developing it, they will gradually note the difference.

 

What’s The best way to DTR, in a civilized manner!

The willingness in having a DTR talk is really important; I prefer to call it TATR (Talk About The Relationship), regarding the negative sense that the word “defining” may cause.  However, the word “define” according to Oxford Dictionary; means “State or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of.”, “Mark out the boundary or limits of.”; and, this gives a great idea on how a healthy DTR talk must be.

     1) Understanding your limits: How much you have developed in being able to have a productive talk, exposing yourself, pondering, being open to criticism, aiming an improvement for the both of you.  Recognize you difficulties and ask for help and comprehension, so that the talk can go well.

     2) Understanding the other’s limits: does your partner have difficulty in opening up? Does he/she need more time to so? Is there low self-esteem (or pride), and the person feels attacked? Has the person had an authoritative upbringing, and he/she feels smothered, and is very reactive? Say you understand and respect these limitations, and take them into consideration during the talk.

 

For those who really want to find what’s the best way to DTR:

Better way to define the relationship, consider this:

3) “If you can have a healthy discussion at work…” (in a meeting for example): Yes, exactly, so, you are able to have a healthy discussion with your partner too.  If you hadn’t been able to develop the basic human interaction ways of coexistence, if you had serious psychological problems, then you wouldn’t be able to be in a meeting without being patient, or causing problems. So, it’s important to make efforts, and do the same “at home”, with the person you say you love, including your kids, friends, etc.

4) The tone of voice and look: Since this may be a face-to-face conversation, a gentle look and a soft tone of voice are essential.  A word may have its meaning misunderstood depending on the tone of voice.  “There comes my nigga”, can be said by an African American passionate woman, who is happy as her husband approaches. The word “nigga” in this context is not seen as an insult.

5) As partners, the proposal here is to improve the way on how the relationship is discussed, based on cooperation.  So, the couple will need to “gather”, peacefully, with the aim of finding out what is happening, what they really want and how they plan it to be.  Something similar as to business partners who are facing problems in their company.  If both want to make improvements in the company, defining things is essential.

 

The difficulty in opening up to one another.

Sometimes it’s hard to open up even to ourselves, because it can cause some kind of discomfort when we face our existential issues, our contradictions, our psychological problems, guilt, deceptions, etc.  Sharing this with someone demands an intimacy, we need to feel comfortable and know we will be completely understood, and not negatively criticized, judged or condemned.

 

 

Bacellart Clinic Psychologist – Psycotherapist

Approach: Existential Phenomenology and  Psychoanalist in Winnicott maturing process;

Guest Student – Gilberto Safra – PhD/USP and Zeljko Loparic/PUC;

Specialist in depression, professional development, marriage and dating relationships;

Originator of the Social Project Arvorecendo

Available for TV, radio, magazine and newspaper interviews.

what’s the best way to DTR, constant exercise and for all relationships! good luck.